Ready for war

NTC is finally over, and I'm just waiting for my flight out in the morning, back to Alaska and the snow...
Ive learned so much here, but I am beyond ready to be done with this. It has been frustrating and exhausting and fulfilling and amazing all at the same time, but I need a break, a bubble bath, and a glass of wine (or a few!)
I couldn't possibly capture my whole experience here, but I'll touch on a few things.
Spc Steve and I went on a mission with the 509th infantry guys from Dog company, which wound up really just being a six-hour hike through the desert, uphill, searching for insurgents and clearing the road of IEDs... It was hot and long, but not excruciating. Certainly gave me some time to get comfortable with them, how they maneuver, and to figure out how I fit in. The EOD guys (they blow up the IEDs when found) were really cool, we watched them send their little robot out strapped with c-4... and I helped one of them don his bomb suit before he trudged off like an astronaut toward an IED. We stopped at the end of the day awaiting further instructions, and camped out for another 6 hours. Spc Steve and I hiked a mile off the route to find a port-a-john because I had to pee... there are no trees, no bushes, nothing... and I am unfortunately "high-maintenance" and would rather walk a two-mile round trip than hagi-squat in front of infantry guys, even though they have no problem peeing in front of me. We walked all the way back, and after seeing a few tarantulas through the day I was already jumpy. So we're within fifty feet of the whole crew, and a damn kangaroo-rat/bunny thing runs out in front of us, sending me leaping and squealing backward... as the whole company bursts into laughter, a gunner yells "its just a bunny..." from his turret. Great. Fantastic. Spc. Steve is still laughing. I took a nap in the sand as the sun went down and the stars poked out, which was the best sleep Ive had in years. I really love the desert. Nothing exciting really happened on the mission, leaving me without a story... two of our black-hawks got "shot down" but as we were with the ground support, we missed it.
Otherwise the rest of the training has consisted of following around Col. or the Gen. that showed up, or attending town meetings with the Afghans. All very interesting, but not that exciting. I did spend a day getting photos of the air-lifts, which consists of me sprawled on the ground under a black-hawk or Chinook getting blown away and hammered with sand. My poor camera is dinged and knicked. I'm sure my face lost about 4 layers of skin, but hey, people pay good money for microdermabrasion or exfoliation and mine was free, compliments of the Army and the Mohave desert... and I got some amazing shots.
We came back to RUBA a few days ago, and Ive been on "hands across the desert" detail for two days... its sounds neat, but we've been picking up brass and trash for miles and miles and miles. I dream about it now... We try to make it fun, but around hour 10 all motivation is lost and the idea of bending over one more freaking time to pick up one more round is more than anyone can bear. The detail did nudge me to the decision to cross over to the dark side (officers) on my return from Afghanistan... :) And my legs and ass are hard as rock, let me tell you, screw the gym, just go play chain-gang in the desert for a few days, you'll be good to go!
Jayvn lost his first tooth, and Mysteri turned 3 while I was here. Its occuring to me just how much of their lives I am going to miss over the next year. I'm really having a hard time with it. I always convince myself I can do things, then when they actually come up, I start to wonder why I thought I could handle it. I have about a month left with them, and then I wont see them for 14 months. I'm going to war. That was the main point that NTC hammered into my head. We aren't just playing Army anymore, we're living it. I'm leaving my children to go to a place where people are trying to kill me. I don't know, but that's a hard reality to swallow. I have an intense need to return home, but at the same time, I have to be willing to accept the chance that I may not. Our brigade lost 53 people on the last tour. They tell us to try to understand that everyone that goes, will not come back. Its interesting, before I got to the unit, I thought I understood, thought I could deal with it. But now these people have faces. They have stories, families, history. They are my friends and mentors. I sit with them sometimes, and wonder who it will be. Some of them seem so strong, seasoned, wise... that in my mind, they are invincible. I cant comprehend losing them. Its enough to make a person crazy. I interviewed our brigade sgt. maj. about this training, and whether he thought we were "ready." Confidently, he said our brigade is ready for anything we face in Afghanistan. We are combat-ready. But am I? I don't know. I feel my training has been sufficient, the technical and tactical aspects have been ingrained... but how do you know if you're mentally ready? There is no way to know how you will react, until you do. I wonder about it all the time, but what's frightening, is that shortly, I wont have to wonder. I'll know.
In the meantime, I'm headed home to enjoy the holidays and my family. To pretend to be a normal American, cook a turkey and go Christmas shopping.