Being home is weird.
I feel like Ive changed so drastically, the way I am, the way I see life, how I view other people. Yet I came home, and everything here is the same. Like I woke up from a dream. In one sense, I just fit right back in to my old life... wife, mother, sister, friend. And in another, I feel like I'm playing a game, some sort of alien role.
Seeing my family for the first time was indescribable. Amazing. I appreciate them more than I ever have, I cherish little things that would have aggravated me before. Everyone is so much more beautiful than I remember.
I think in the intimacy that comes from certain high-stress situations over the past few months, seeing the rottenness to the core, as well as the self-giving, self-sacrificing beauty, of people... and learning to love them and trust them through and through their humanity anyway... suddenly the people I originally loved are elevated beyond measure in my mind. Their imperfections became trivial. My expectations of them, moot.
Case in point... My children. I'm pretty sure they are perfect in every way. I cant stop staring at them.
But really, this new overwhelming adoration of the people that have always meant the most to me, seems to be just that... adoration, appreciation, love that I feel about them, not necessarily with them. If that makes any sense at all. Not that it doesn't feel reciprocal, just that somehow when there is a lack of understanding, something seems to be missing. Maybe its all in my head. Its just that... there is this part of me, a very big part, that is so thoroughly separate... peculiar almost... that doesn't relate to anyone or anything here anymore.
A disconnect.
I cant even put this into words in my own head, much less help anyone else fathom it.
And in the short time that I have been home, I'm beginning to understand that the commonality will never be there. Trying to wrap my brain around this, accept it, and move on... is proving arduous.
Something in me desperately wants to integrate the two... past and future. The person I was with the person I am becoming... the life I had with the life I'm headed for. I suppose that's never been easy... but I'm not willing to sacrifice either for the sake of the other. So the question becomes, how do I make them co-exist?
Posts
A Checklist For Home Buyers
14 years ago
4 comments:
I was just saying to Jer the other day that it must be weird - because to us it really does seem like you were just gone on a long vacation...and we can't imagine all the life changing stuff you've been through - because our lives really didn't change much....
I do want to hear all about it...even if I can't fathom it...
The two will meld and feel more comfortable after time. We all have a complete spectrum of behaviors and emotions, all of which are 100% ours. You have just been traveling up and down that spectrum more and more quickly than most. You are all of it, and it is all you. No need to be one or the other - you just are what you need to be in each given situation. You are enriched, adaptable, capable, and competent in a variety of things, some of which the rest of us may never experience. Embrace who you are, the woman God has created you to be (all of her) and enjoy every arena of your life as you bounce through...
What you described feels similar to the life of a devout Christian -one foot on earth in the flesh, the other foot in Heaven in the spirit. Sometimes we fight to keep our balance, or our emotions in check, being neither just flesh nor just spirit, but absolutely both. YOU CAN FLY !!!!!!!! How cool is that !! I love you !!!mamma
Cloud9 has a way with words!
This is something that won't happen overnight but indeed it is reality. It is all you, not just a section. True you have had some experiences that no one else will understand, but you should not expect them to. The part of you that was created from these experiences is only a supplement to the Queen you already are. It will just take some time and a little motivation to make this work for you. And as for dreams, well everything thats for you will eventually be yours... Sometimes we wake up only to fall back into a dream state once again.
I have always had a hard time with it myself. Even in the short amount of time at Dinfos, but it has always found a way of adjusting on it's on. Good luck it can be very difficult. Glad your home!
Post a Comment